Today…as much I want to become the emotion that is Love and Light and everything that is Just and Right, I’m falling back into my dark place. I don’t like it here anymore than you, but this place is real and as much as I want to keep my sense of humor and laugh and be fierce or brave, that shit is hard to keep up. I get exhausted. I’m exhausted now. I just want to sink into my bed and disappear. Go back inside the Rabbit Hole.
I just want to disappear into an alternate reality where someone will ask my name just because they want to know it and not because I have to confirm it matches the name on my hospital band. I want flowers just because I’m fucken amazing not because I’m sick. I wish I was still drunkenly writing poems on paper napkins in that absinthe bar in Prague or dancing merengue with all the men in a Parisian dive bar until I’d break my stilettos and have to walk back barefoot to my hotel at 6am.
Living at home, in South Gate, in my blue room with red curtains, there’s not much I can do but dream about being anywhere but here and on days like this, it feels like there’s no end in sight.
I feel alone, again. The kind of loneliness where I don’t want to be around anyone, but am desperate to connect to anyone but there’s no one I can feel connected to. It’s an awful kind of loneliness and I am haunted by a great deal of fear. More than anything, I feel the warm shadow of my biggest fear standing behind me, like the bully that’s about to beat you on the black pavement of the playground during recess.
This is my fear…
I am afraid of going crazy again, the way I did those years ago. I’m afraid that even if I physically survive cancer, I will always be a somewhat broken or cracked individual despite my years in therapy, on anti-depressants, on anti-psychotics, outpatient institutes and that I will somehow always feel I am branded with the Scarlet Letter that represents the hysterical female. The amount of stress that I keep experiencing makes me doubt my ability to maintain an emotional balance. Days like this constantly make me feel as if I’m breaking spectacularly and all at once.
The roadblocks and the red tape and the obstacles I keep jumping just to keep getting treatment at Cedars are like heavy cement blocks dragging me down to the ocean floor. It’s getting so overwhelming again. I was denied for a second time from seeing my surgeon, even after I spent nearly four hours being given a follow up mammogram and ultrasound. This means, I still do not know how much my tumor has shrunk or know what my surgical options are. I’m about midway through my chemo and I’m still in the dark about my progress, if any.
It seems the exemption paperwork that I signed a month ago didn’t go through and I still have LA Care instead of Medical. I’ll have to do sign the paperwork again during my chemo session on Thursday. I’m tired of fighting so hard to stay at Cedars. They’ll probably just lose my paperwork again and I don’t know how much fight is left in me anymore.
How much am I going to bend before I break?