When I first began this blog, I wrote that there would be a time I would assess the damages I have incurred since this whole breast cancer bullshit started. I haven’t kept my word. I don’t want to.
After a fundraiser event a friend of mine put together for me in March, my body was exhausted. It was an amalgamation of added weight, overall fatigue from nearly 16 rounds of chemotherapy, and the fact that I can manipulate my image so well that even I had a hard time remembering I was sick because I never “looked” sick. Trying to squeeze into my chemo couture dresses reminded me very well that I was and still am. When the make up and the wig came off, it was just me, by myself, with cancer. I stopped taking calls, responding to the messages of staying positive, and rejected all invites. Instead of having a lot on my mind, it became too much on my mind.
I wanted to be alone, but not in the rabbit hole. I have been writing broken thoughts, but none that are coherent enough to put on this blog. I only feel I’m coming through in waves anyway.
I’m realizing now, maybe it’s what I needed and what I’m still denying that I need. I’ve been alone with everything, but my cancer. And now that my surgery date is set for Friday, May 2nd, I feel numb. I don’t want to feel anything.
I suppose we all want to be alone and comfortably numb sometimes.
The Literary Pinup 
Sometimes, when we are overwhelmed by an extremely difficult crisis or loss in life – numbness takes over to protect us. I’ve been there. I understand.
Rhonda, I send you hugs and love and yes, my mom told Stacie that if there is anything she needs then she can count on her. Your girl is well taken care of. ❤
Thanks, Celeste. I sincerely appreciate it. 🙂